but the thing is, there has to be.

i curl up in the spot where i last saw you sleep. i'm the first person to do this in all of history. no you're not, they say. people have been losing loved ones for centuries, i guess. but no one's ever felt this before, i'm sure of it. i don't move for days. the fabric is still warm from your body or is it mine? shadows on the walls come and go, sneaking around in silence. people talk about you, ask about you, trying too hard to be nice. i don't like talking to strangers, you know that. i need you here beside me, you were always the one who talked. i'm just the one who smiles, i just smile. i smile again and again, my lips quiver, i nod my head. i can still hear your voice, a long-distance phone call. my room, my bed, my car haven't changed. it's as if they don't even know you're gone. i want to scream at the walls, i want to tell them don't you notice!? don't you even notice he's not here? but the words come from my eyes, not my mouth, and they're tears instead of sounds.

i have this memory. you're wrapped up in the sheets lying in bed and the bed is next to the window and the window is open because i'm smoking even though i shouldn't be and you tell me i shouldn't be because i am going to set of the alarm but the only alarm that goes off belongs to my crazy roommate in the next room who wakes up at ungodly early hours of the morning and thats where we're at because we drank so much i couldn't sleep without getting sick and you knew this and made me stay awake and so i made you take off your clothes because i was hot and you did it even though it didn't make sense and as i smoked you played with my toes one by one and told me how they were beautiful and how i was beautiful and i just hid behind my hair because you sounded like you loved me and i wasn't ready to be in love or even just be loved because my wrists were too skinny and the only time i'd ever read vonnegut was for school but i was always reading books about fucked up teenagers that found freedom or love or just felt okay and in the end that was enough and when i finished the books i always felt like that was enough and i guess thats how i felt that night like it was enough and maybe if you loved me it would be too much.