but the thing is, there has to be.

with every twinge of pain you try a little harder to figure out why you care so much. for the first time in months, you're reminded of what it feels like to get physically ill from jealousy. worry wrapped around words you're no longer allowed to care about. this new world of responsibility pulls you back at every turn. you miss the care-free feeling of irresponsibility, the comfort that comes with having options. it's unfair, to think like this. as if it were better before. do you think about trading it all in? you tell yourself, for just one day, just one week, but then you remember how hard you worked for what you've got. and wouldn't it be a waste to see it all just go away?
i can smell you here. in your clothes, in your book, in your bed. in your sheets i stretch and curl, they're smooth but there's no warmth in your absence.
a question hangs in the air. unsure of the exact words, but the idea is clear. i need to know what you think about all of these things that shouldn't matter. i need to tell you that something happened today that's never happened before. i need to tell you that i'm not prepared for this. that it was never expected. i'm terrified that i'm not meant to know what it all means.
the source is the comfort.
the comfort is the source.
i keep trying and trying, but the tears won't come. my eyes stay dry and my lips stay dry and my hands stay moistened slightly. behind my face there's a lake and under my skin there's a body of water and it's so much so much and i can't make it leave and its drowning me inside. and i think if you opened my mouth it would come right out, but you're not here and i can't find you where are you? where are you? i just keep wandering lost through the trees and where are you? and where did all of this water come from and why does it hurt so much? and is it love, they tell me, but they don't really because no one knows. and how does no one know, they all pay so much attention to everything else or is it just a secret i'm so good at keeping? and do you even know? i tried to many times but the water just kept rising.
so many nights spent apart together. i still don't understand. let's go back to where we started. i hate going back to where it began.