my hands hold eachother tightly, pressed between my legs. i have to hold them back, lest i break the rules. i am not allowed to touch you. they told me last thursday. "no physical contact." you're dying, they said, you're contagious. on the phone, i just knew they were lying. but when i saw you, i could feel it, i could smell it on your breath. it smelled like the ocean. you make plans for when you're better, you have no idea what's going on. "i can't wait to hold you again," the words leak through your teeth as you smile. antibiotics, they told you, to be taken twice daily. but when you weren't looking they told me the truth: methadone. it slowly kills the body without pain. opiates, their defense, he'll be happy this way. i let you run your fingers over my jeans, it doesn't count if our skin doesn't actually touch, right? you want to kiss me, so i place saran wrap between our lips. your mouth is still soft, but it's lost its warmth. i sit next to you in the car, your skin is pale next to mine. i've got your ring on my finger. "you have to give it back once you get one of your own," you laugh. i try my best to smile. i don't think i'll ever take it off once you're gone.

a fight we've long since forgiven

words fell from your mouth like rain drops
as puddles collect on the floor
i can barely keep up with the speed they come out
you're at about a thousand or more

i try to focus on the counting
ignoring the message they bring
and as each one hits the cold, hard cement
i begin to notice something

your words fall apart at contact
leaving new ones to be found
your reasoning's lying there broken
thoughts scattered across the ground

the "belief" that you give turns into a "lie"
and "truth" turns into "hurtt"
all the little things you say
can't be taken for what they're worth

but all the strange reconstructions
are patterns of my design
realization returns them to original shape
allowing droplets to intertwine

so i pick up the "L" from longing
and the "O" from revolution
the "V" i take from vulnerability
and the "E" comes from coming undone

i hand back the new message i've fastened
a token (i hope) of peace
the raining stops and your smile comes out
and for once, silence puts us at ease

i had another "episode" driving home tonight. you know, one of those where i'm on one part of the road and then the next thing i know i'm at a different part of the road much further down but i can't remember driving the space in between. the doctor calls it "continuous selective amnesia." i wouldn't call it selective though, it's not like i choose to forget things. my mom said she wants me to quit driving, that maybe she should get me a bike instead. do you really think thats a good idea? i ask, what if i forget to peddle? she didn't say anything, only crossed one arm and put the opposite hand on her cheek: her worried look. i shrug. no one will really joke about it anymore, not since the "incident." [when i was 13 i went for a walk around the neighborhood, and then suddenly i was standing in the middle of a train station. with no shoes on. and a gold medal for first place in the Azalea Festival 10-K around my neck. my brother had to drive three hours to come pick me up.] no one's really sure about when it started. i used to get in trouble a lot when i was younger for things i never remembered doing. i just thought my brother was very clever. it really hurt my marks in school too. these days i don't care much about school, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't cover up my apathy with my disease. when i bring home a bad test, i do my best to looks sad about it. my mother just nods sympathetically and my father cooks my favorite dinner.
but i digress. the reason i'm telling you this is because i need you to believe me. i need you to understand. i can't let you leave here thinking i was just making excuses. when you came over that night, through the back gate, it was so cold in the middle of june and you had on that sweater with the chemical burns. i was sitting on the porch swing and you sat down next to me. you kept looking at your hands instead of me and thats when i knew something was different. you looked at me with such innocent eyes and then suddenly you were on top of me and we were rolling through the grass. and you have to understand, that i didn't understand.