but the thing is, there has to be.

i had another "episode" driving home tonight. you know, one of those where i'm on one part of the road and then the next thing i know i'm at a different part of the road much further down but i can't remember driving the space in between. the doctor calls it "continuous selective amnesia." i wouldn't call it selective though, it's not like i choose to forget things. my mom said she wants me to quit driving, that maybe she should get me a bike instead. do you really think thats a good idea? i ask, what if i forget to peddle? she didn't say anything, only crossed one arm and put the opposite hand on her cheek: her worried look. i shrug. no one will really joke about it anymore, not since the "incident." [when i was 13 i went for a walk around the neighborhood, and then suddenly i was standing in the middle of a train station. with no shoes on. and a gold medal for first place in the Azalea Festival 10-K around my neck. my brother had to drive three hours to come pick me up.] no one's really sure about when it started. i used to get in trouble a lot when i was younger for things i never remembered doing. i just thought my brother was very clever. it really hurt my marks in school too. these days i don't care much about school, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't cover up my apathy with my disease. when i bring home a bad test, i do my best to looks sad about it. my mother just nods sympathetically and my father cooks my favorite dinner.
but i digress. the reason i'm telling you this is because i need you to believe me. i need you to understand. i can't let you leave here thinking i was just making excuses. when you came over that night, through the back gate, it was so cold in the middle of june and you had on that sweater with the chemical burns. i was sitting on the porch swing and you sat down next to me. you kept looking at your hands instead of me and thats when i knew something was different. you looked at me with such innocent eyes and then suddenly you were on top of me and we were rolling through the grass. and you have to understand, that i didn't understand.