this lack of conversation's silly
tell me, when will you come home?
it wasn't til you left this city
that i knew i could feel so all alone
and you know i haven't written
and i know you haven't called
but i thought you would've guessed by now
what i was thinking all along
so i'll just sit here patiently
until you come to realize
that our lives are ultimately better
when you've got me by your side

fall in love. fall i love so thoroughly and unashamedly that you pour everything you have into someone else. let them inside you so deep that they become part of who you are and who you always were and who you always will be. wrap your life around them. begin to plan major events with them. begin to plan minor events with them. begin to plan your day around them. end your day with them and begin your day with them too. watch them unfold before you and shine. plan the rest of your life together. watch them amaze you. watch them falter and love them anyway. then watch them falter and notice that it bothers you. watch them come home late and forget to call. watch them cancel plans to do something with someone else. watch them not remember to do the things you asked countless times. let it sit too long until you can't take it anymore and then explode in anger at them. listen to them apologize and forgive them and let them back into your bed. watch them make the same mistakes again and again. don't let it sit anymore, but point it out every single time, thinking maybe then they'll understand how they're messing up. argue your point when they make excuses. listen to them apologize and pretend to forgive them but don't let them back in to your bed. start to notice everything they do wrong. forget the reasons you loved them in the first place. intentionally make plans without them. avoid making plans with them, because then they can't cancel on you. see them less and less. go to bed while they're still out and leave in the morning before they wake up. start drinking. forget who you are as a person. drink more. watch them start to drink more. question whether or not you still love them. become complacent. stop waiting for them to ever call. wait until they bring it up and then tell them you need a break. feel a false sense of freedom. feel an empty pit in your stomach whenever you're alone. go out every night and drink to fill the empty pit. find yourself home alone with them on a quiet night. drink together. end up in bed together. feel connected again. wake up the next morning and wonder where you stand. keep busy for weeks and then fall into bed together again. repeat for months. keep busy and realize that you haven't seen them in months. wake up one day and decide you want to salvage what you had. be surprised when you discover they've fallen in love with someone else. feel betrayed. feel lost. cry yourself to sleep every night. try to find yourself again. become social. try things you've always wanted to try. go out with a few other people. become happy. continue to grow. every now and then remember them and cry some more. become successful. make new friends. look happy. feel happy, most of the time. go on dates with other people but remain unimpressed. plan a different future for yourself.  think about them more often than you should. miss them, but never mention it to anyone. wonder if you'll ever fall in love again.

you feel tired, sluggish, full.
she hates that feeling, full.
you think back to the days when you always felt so empty. when empty was beautiful. when empty is still beautiful. it's a struggle that no one else seems to understand. it's a change that no one else can see. you have to hollow out this body. make it light, make it small. make it better.
but there's no response. you're a destruction zone, an internal war field. you're raging.
but why should you be?
no, you're happy. you're at the happiest you've ever been. right now, you have it all.
just keep repeating the words.
you have it all.

a hush falls over the crowd. tongues tied in silent sudden panic. this feeling of awe overwhelms your senses, devouring your brain, sending shivers the furthest corners of your plane. you feel your body react, despite the summer heat, try to hide it, but your bashful cheeks spill the truth anyway.  how could you think this would be so easy? you wait your turn, impatient, but relieved for the extra moments to prepare. you wanted to be so clever, but now you can't think of a damn thing to say.

and so it's over, just try not to feel regret.

you wish you didn't care so much. you wish they cared at all. you wish you had a better grip, you wish you didn't fall. you wish you had a smoother tongue, a quicker train of thought. you wish you would've said some more, you wish you'd done a lot. you wish that you could get it back, you wish for more control. you wish for things that are too far, you wish you could feel whole. you wish you didn't sit alone, at night with swollen eyes. you wish you would've asked for more, instead of just goodbyes. you wish it didn't feel so hard, what once came easily. you wish for a lot of things, you wish you could be "me."

the only time i miss you is every single day

you speak of stars and sand. uncharted maps for which you already know the path.

i speak of dark and cold sheets. broken compasses and faulty legends.

i'm alone here in this hotel, while you wander off into the world, taking notes and casting charm.

my words fall on drunk ears, eager but tainted. i make company with empty chairs.

you prefer seats that move and feet that take a risk.

i prefer hands that guide and somewhere safe to hide at the end of the night,

you say it's simple and i disagree

because i can't live the story when i've already seen the ending.

but we're the same you see.

we're infinite.

the panic room

watch for the signs of destruction. nights spent staring out car windows. holding back sobs. endless streams navigating cheeks for reasons unknown. the satisfying feeling of an all-too-empty stomach. when hungry feels beautiful. slashing locks and infusing colors. change in pace, taste, atmosphere. drastic changes in habits. sudden unrequited obsession. needing more. needing more. needing more. nights spent alone, afraid, replayed conversations that never took place.

she doesn't have to open her eyes to know that this place is all too familiar. an empty room that looked so promising from outside the door. she thought he'd be here. well, he was, they'll say. yes, i know. he asked to stay, they'll continue, but you told him to leave. no, you left. or was it both? which way did it go? she can't remember exactly. it's the comfort of knowing. only, you'll beginning to realize you don't know at all. hands held in secret. but not in silence. an unwanted hush blankets affection in a smothering fashion. you won't submit to terms, so instead you sit alone with a stomach ache of jealousy and teeth turned cold in the grind. smokey familiar bass lines fill your head, leave no room for thoughts. you're always coming back to the same place, the comfort is the source. other's words seem more fitting than your own. as if anyone listen to the things you never say. and that was one of the issues, you know, the fact you hear what i say and not what i mean. can't you understand i need the fight? i need this to be worth something so i can be worth something. but you aren't looking for a challenge. you think you've let it go but you've got a state full of reservations. abandonment. a harsh, bitter word. it bit the ears, did it sting as it left your tongue? i feel sick at the thought that i could've hurt you so much. a boat stuck at sea without the wind, without so much as a breeze. accentuated vowels emphasize feeling. the feeling has to match melody, and the words dipped in wit. so many words, you see. when was the last time you had so many words? it's as if you found a lost locked box and self destruction is the key. the bass line gets louder, deafening all the naggings you don't understand. remember sunset porches? remember thunderstorms and mix cds and the first time you broke a heart? dried flowers wait by the bedside, forgotten only until you need to remember. this is usually when the box comes out, i still kept your letters, every one. i won't speak to you now, but i always miss the quick goodbye and deadly drives. anxious for the unknown. you don't understand the most important part you don't even know you're missing. the music swells, like a lump of words in my throat that i can't bring myself to say. this is it, i hope you know, there's no going back from this. it's what we were always working toward. 

Remember this:

remember when we unlearned and eager. remember when we had best friends with willing ears that listened to every tiny detail. remember when we didn't have access to a world of information at our fingertips, disposable and granted. remember when there was someone who knew everything about you. someone who's line was busy every time you called, because they were simultaneously trying to call you. when words weren't needed. when presence was comfort. when silence was enough. remember when we didn't need to tell the whole world everything all the time. remember privacy. remember respect. remember social rules and expectations. remember when calling wasn't desperate, it was flattering. remember when instead of texts, we had hour long conversations.

how can you see someone every day and still learn new details in every conversation? why can you find out more about someone's aura on the internet than in person? when did we lose the desire to share details in flesh but becoming willing to spill our guts in digital? how come you will tell the world but you won't tell me? when did secrecy become a standard?




we use, now, not our tongues, but our fingertips. a weapon once used for intimacy, poison has turned it into ruthless boldness. those fingertips that once traced collarbones and goosebumps have traded warm blood for cold plastic. the methodical clicking soothes a wanderlust soul. i look at you and you smile. i look again and wait for your attention to trickle back in my direction. i'd say it's a need for constant communication, but it isn't just interaction you're looking for - it's social justification, satisfaction, reaction, validation. ahh yes, there's the ticket. you need approval, reassurance.

we sit upstairs on the hard wood floor. i sit, you stand. you walk back and forth. you check and check again. i wait. you pause. i stretch and you move. i pause and you fill, unknowingly. i weigh and you wander. i ask and you answer. i let you speak for hours. you break, respond. i wait. you break again. i wait. i disengage. you continue. we fall off balance. i wait. you catch back up, or perhaps i do. i smile, you smile. we link. we move rhythmically. you break, we unlink. we restart.

a modern light.

your breathing regulates. you sigh a note of contentment, the one you only make when you're asleep. you're so comfortable in my arms, and i can't help but feel like this will be the last time i'll ever get to hold you. i pull you closer, one hand tangled in your hair while the other traces words on your skin, "i don't want to lose you." but i daren't speak them. i know what you'd say, i have to go. this is my job, you know that. there are bigger things out there than you and me. and i know, oh god how i know. and i could never ask you to stay, even if that's all it took. just one word. stay. but that's never been my style and i suppose you'll find that out soon enough. i can feel your heart beat or is it mine? and i wish i could hold you like this forever, your weight on my chest, your body so trusting. instead i watch the clock, minutes pass and with each tick i prepare myself for the separation. i'd love to pretend it wasn't happening, but every beautiful breath reminds me of what i'll be missing. i only wonder, when the times comes, will you ask me to wait for you?

how does he smile? they ask and my cheeks are burning red.

how many minutes since
the world ended?
my ears are buzzing with
your words
"wait wait wait"
but i'm thinking, it's
now or never
so i jump because
it's long over
and for the first time i
erased the words that were written
not so set
in ink, not so stained
and today is
yesterday's tomorrow, so
please don't tell me that
everything will be better in the morning.

with every twinge of pain you try a little harder to figure out why you care so much. for the first time in months, you're reminded of what it feels like to get physically ill from jealousy. worry wrapped around words you're no longer allowed to care about. this new world of responsibility pulls you back at every turn. you miss the care-free feeling of irresponsibility, the comfort that comes with having options. it's unfair, to think like this. as if it were better before. do you think about trading it all in? you tell yourself, for just one day, just one week, but then you remember how hard you worked for what you've got. and wouldn't it be a waste to see it all just go away?
i can smell you here. in your clothes, in your book, in your bed. in your sheets i stretch and curl, they're smooth but there's no warmth in your absence.
a question hangs in the air. unsure of the exact words, but the idea is clear. i need to know what you think about all of these things that shouldn't matter. i need to tell you that something happened today that's never happened before. i need to tell you that i'm not prepared for this. that it was never expected. i'm terrified that i'm not meant to know what it all means.
the source is the comfort.
the comfort is the source.
i keep trying and trying, but the tears won't come. my eyes stay dry and my lips stay dry and my hands stay moistened slightly. behind my face there's a lake and under my skin there's a body of water and it's so much so much and i can't make it leave and its drowning me inside. and i think if you opened my mouth it would come right out, but you're not here and i can't find you where are you? where are you? i just keep wandering lost through the trees and where are you? and where did all of this water come from and why does it hurt so much? and is it love, they tell me, but they don't really because no one knows. and how does no one know, they all pay so much attention to everything else or is it just a secret i'm so good at keeping? and do you even know? i tried to many times but the water just kept rising.
so many nights spent apart together. i still don't understand. let's go back to where we started. i hate going back to where it began.

i curl up in the spot where i last saw you sleep. i'm the first person to do this in all of history. no you're not, they say. people have been losing loved ones for centuries, i guess. but no one's ever felt this before, i'm sure of it. i don't move for days. the fabric is still warm from your body or is it mine? shadows on the walls come and go, sneaking around in silence. people talk about you, ask about you, trying too hard to be nice. i don't like talking to strangers, you know that. i need you here beside me, you were always the one who talked. i'm just the one who smiles, i just smile. i smile again and again, my lips quiver, i nod my head. i can still hear your voice, a long-distance phone call. my room, my bed, my car haven't changed. it's as if they don't even know you're gone. i want to scream at the walls, i want to tell them don't you notice!? don't you even notice he's not here? but the words come from my eyes, not my mouth, and they're tears instead of sounds.

i have this memory. you're wrapped up in the sheets lying in bed and the bed is next to the window and the window is open because i'm smoking even though i shouldn't be and you tell me i shouldn't be because i am going to set of the alarm but the only alarm that goes off belongs to my crazy roommate in the next room who wakes up at ungodly early hours of the morning and thats where we're at because we drank so much i couldn't sleep without getting sick and you knew this and made me stay awake and so i made you take off your clothes because i was hot and you did it even though it didn't make sense and as i smoked you played with my toes one by one and told me how they were beautiful and how i was beautiful and i just hid behind my hair because you sounded like you loved me and i wasn't ready to be in love or even just be loved because my wrists were too skinny and the only time i'd ever read vonnegut was for school but i was always reading books about fucked up teenagers that found freedom or love or just felt okay and in the end that was enough and when i finished the books i always felt like that was enough and i guess thats how i felt that night like it was enough and maybe if you loved me it would be too much.

i swear i'd live in your mouth if you wouldn't laugh me right out

i want to kiss you. i want to steal the warmth from your lips and use it to comfort my own. i want to feel your passion and your anger and your hurt and if you feel pain i want to bleed. i want to cease to exist. i want to be a sole pair of lips entangled in yours, a pair of hands holding you down, fingertips that touch everywhere twice. i want to be the breath on your neck, the hint of moistness lining your collar, the shivers sliding down your spine. i want to feel soft and i want to sneak in and build up inside you until its so hard it almost hurts. i want you to swallow me whole. i want to seek refuge in the folds of your tongue and hide between the teeth that make up a perfectly manufactured smile that sells a million empty heartaches a day. i want to take hold of your words, just before they've been said, and keep them all in a jar for myself. i'd sacrifice the world hearing your thoughts if it meant i could wrap myself in your voice, a blanket keeping me protected and warm. you're selfish, you'd try to tell me, but before anyone could hear, i'd weave it right into my skin. i don't care what the words mean, as long as they're mine, i'm dependent on hearing you talk. i get sick to my stomach when i just think of your name, bursts of flame dancing over my bones. even when you're inside me, i can't get you close enough, i need to push you under my skin. i'll never understand you unless i become you, but you don't understand either, you just keep whispering iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou.

It was something I shouldn’t have been doing, and I guess that was the appeal. With the second sip I felt warm, and with the third I began thinking about the way we act when we just let ourselves go. How everything is better. How we get along so easily. How we just plain treat each other the way we always should have. We can’t remember what it’s like to not smile, and if we do then we cry so hard we start to hurt. By the time we hit a dozen sips, it no longer bites and we no longer taste the sarcasm, selfishness, or hurtful intent. We start to explore the warmth around us, finding comfort in entanglement. With the last sip our bodies have linked themselves. Feet to thighs, noses in necks, fingers interlocked. I honestly think that if our skin stopped touching, even for the slightest second, you’d disappear into nothing and I’d never see you again. For the rest of the night, I’m constantly checking to make sure we’re in contact, but you barely notice. You take me around the room, pointing out everything in sight, your eyes as big as a child’s. You keep insisting how important everything is, almost leaving me behind. I crawl into your safe place, but I’m getting lost inside all the folds.

my hands hold eachother tightly, pressed between my legs. i have to hold them back, lest i break the rules. i am not allowed to touch you. they told me last thursday. "no physical contact." you're dying, they said, you're contagious. on the phone, i just knew they were lying. but when i saw you, i could feel it, i could smell it on your breath. it smelled like the ocean. you make plans for when you're better, you have no idea what's going on. "i can't wait to hold you again," the words leak through your teeth as you smile. antibiotics, they told you, to be taken twice daily. but when you weren't looking they told me the truth: methadone. it slowly kills the body without pain. opiates, their defense, he'll be happy this way. i let you run your fingers over my jeans, it doesn't count if our skin doesn't actually touch, right? you want to kiss me, so i place saran wrap between our lips. your mouth is still soft, but it's lost its warmth. i sit next to you in the car, your skin is pale next to mine. i've got your ring on my finger. "you have to give it back once you get one of your own," you laugh. i try my best to smile. i don't think i'll ever take it off once you're gone.

a fight we've long since forgiven

words fell from your mouth like rain drops
as puddles collect on the floor
i can barely keep up with the speed they come out
you're at about a thousand or more

i try to focus on the counting
ignoring the message they bring
and as each one hits the cold, hard cement
i begin to notice something

your words fall apart at contact
leaving new ones to be found
your reasoning's lying there broken
thoughts scattered across the ground

the "belief" that you give turns into a "lie"
and "truth" turns into "hurtt"
all the little things you say
can't be taken for what they're worth

but all the strange reconstructions
are patterns of my design
realization returns them to original shape
allowing droplets to intertwine

so i pick up the "L" from longing
and the "O" from revolution
the "V" i take from vulnerability
and the "E" comes from coming undone

i hand back the new message i've fastened
a token (i hope) of peace
the raining stops and your smile comes out
and for once, silence puts us at ease

i had another "episode" driving home tonight. you know, one of those where i'm on one part of the road and then the next thing i know i'm at a different part of the road much further down but i can't remember driving the space in between. the doctor calls it "continuous selective amnesia." i wouldn't call it selective though, it's not like i choose to forget things. my mom said she wants me to quit driving, that maybe she should get me a bike instead. do you really think thats a good idea? i ask, what if i forget to peddle? she didn't say anything, only crossed one arm and put the opposite hand on her cheek: her worried look. i shrug. no one will really joke about it anymore, not since the "incident." [when i was 13 i went for a walk around the neighborhood, and then suddenly i was standing in the middle of a train station. with no shoes on. and a gold medal for first place in the Azalea Festival 10-K around my neck. my brother had to drive three hours to come pick me up.] no one's really sure about when it started. i used to get in trouble a lot when i was younger for things i never remembered doing. i just thought my brother was very clever. it really hurt my marks in school too. these days i don't care much about school, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't cover up my apathy with my disease. when i bring home a bad test, i do my best to looks sad about it. my mother just nods sympathetically and my father cooks my favorite dinner.
but i digress. the reason i'm telling you this is because i need you to believe me. i need you to understand. i can't let you leave here thinking i was just making excuses. when you came over that night, through the back gate, it was so cold in the middle of june and you had on that sweater with the chemical burns. i was sitting on the porch swing and you sat down next to me. you kept looking at your hands instead of me and thats when i knew something was different. you looked at me with such innocent eyes and then suddenly you were on top of me and we were rolling through the grass. and you have to understand, that i didn't understand.